Absurd Talks -1

If you already fixed your eyes in this post, it simply means that you are ready to read..

Well,

Not a long story, but surely not a brief one.

These past few days, I’ve been distracted by things I shouldn’t even concerned. But what can I do? I’ve been living like this, with this kind of syndrome since my puberty. I am 22 now and I am no longer in puberty phase yet  things are not changing that much.

My childhood, I can say that I was a pretty much a spoiled girl. You can say that I always get what I wanted. I was born in a well-off family. My Mom owns a shoe store and My Dad owns his own mini shoe factory. I spent my childhood almost 24/7 with a housemaid name Merry and sometimes my Mom left me at my aunt’s house. But I was happy, because I always get what I want! Every year on my birthday and Christmas, and even Children’s day, my parents bought me Barbie Dolls which I like very much back then. Once again, I am happy because I always get what I wanted!

I remember during my elementary years, every Saturday we have to wear Casual clothes. Wearing a same clothes twice is embarrassing for me, that’s why almost every week I bought new clothes so that I can always wear something new to show my friends. Also, I really like to wear accessories. I am a big fan of colorful stuffs, so I always try to match my outfit with my accessories. My dream was a fashion designer.

I remember treating my friends on my birthday at Pizza Hut. I invited my close friends and they gave me presents. I love it when my friends play at my house, and see how comfortable they were. I remember my Dad told me that on my 17^th birthday I definitely have to throw a big party and invite everyone. It’s gonna be the best birthday party ever!

But you know, that was temporary.

During junior high school, puberty phase, I started questioning myself. Am I happy with everything I had? I am not. I started asking myself why instead of my Mom’s presence, I am way more happy with a Barbie doll? Why am I the only one whose always been left in my aunt’s house? Why am I the only one who never traveled by train? Why does my Mom never satisfied even if I win thousands of competition? You know what, I love singing so much but I never had a confidence to show my talents until recently. I always cry after every performance, thinking that I am not good enough and my performance always disappointing. You know what is my Mom doing? She never watch me perform, because she was too busy working. Even if she do, all she said was “What kind of hilarious performance was that?” and it makes me feel small.

My High School years is the worst. I was completely drown into slump. My family is in debt, my Dad is jobless, I went into school with high tuition fee, My Mom became the backbone of the family, My relations with my brother didn’t go really well, I got to move several times, Sold my SUV, and the worst is throw all of my dreams away. I try to fit in with my friends, but I feel like I am never enough. I remember how embarrassed I was when my Dad pick me up from school using 1987 Toyota Kijang, while my friends went home with their Fortuner and Alphard. That’s sucks.

I used to call “Mbak, mbak, mbak” every time I need something, but then my Mom called me “Lin, lin, lin” asking me to do chores. I remember crying at least once a month thinking how sucks everything was. Second year of high school, I remember coming to my friends sweet seventeen birthday party and thinking about my Dad’s promise back then. I was just thinking “Why do they make a promise that they couldn’t keep?” On my own sweet seventeen birthday, I came to my friend’s sweet seventeen birthday party. I didn’t have my own. My Mom tried to comfort me by inviting my closest friends to my small house, and eat together. She at least let me blow my 17^th candle on my birthday and I am thankful enough for that.

Growing up, I don’t know what is the right word to describe myself now. I always live with a motto “You can always get what you want”. Everybody knows, I always wanted to go to Korea since 6 years ago but until this second I have never been there and I don’t know how much longer should I wait. I let go some of the chances, because of time and money. Why does everything needs money? Why does my dream needs to be this high? I’ve been hurt enough several times.

I want it more than anything. But how?

I know I will someday, but how long? Maybe I am lack of effort, but how can I run when I can’t even crawl? How can I stop thinking about it and try to find out my way when there are no way? How can I not be jealous with anyone when I am the one who want it the most, but the one who got a chance is another person?  How can I prove the motto I’ve made myself “You can always get what you want” when I don’t even believe in opportunities anymore? Tell me how, when, and why.

Guess I am back to my puberty phase now, I am started to questioning myself once again.

I probably continue this absurd talks when the time comes,

Soon,

This year,

Next year,

5 years,

10 years,

Or maybe never?