Ping Pong

I am a ping pong ball.
I can't pretty much say which side I'm on.
Sometimes I go Black, sometimes Blue.
But I like those two sides;
I like it because when we're together, I am having fun bouncing here and there.

I am a ping pong ball.
Everytime I fell, Black and Blue always pick me up;I am rejoiced.
Because of them I am not afraid to fall.
I know when we are all together,
either Black or Blue always gonna pick me up.
It was a good play after all.

I am a ping pong ball.
I am nothing without one of the players.
It's been a while since I was stuck in the middle.
Blue and Black never met like before.
When Black comes; Blue was not there.
When Blue comes; Black was not there.
And it keeps going,
At the end I was just a ping pong ball.
Waiting for Black and Blue to come together again.

What can I do when,
Black and Blue are not willing to see each other again?

I am a ping pong ball.
I don't want to stuck in the middle.
I have to bounce again somehow.
Not with Black, neither Blue.
But both of them.

That XX

I feel so confused lately, with myself. I think all this time i've been doing something wrong, something pathetic. It is really bad and I think that I lost my old self.

I didn't know since when i became a fangirl. All I can remember is that i was so crazy about F4, about Vic Zhou. Then I started to like The Click Five, buys all of their cassettes. Kim Jeong Hoon, David Archuleta, Kyuhyun, SHINee, and Infinite follow after. I just want a normal life.

I thought after watching Infinite's concert last month, I could be better. I could see what reality is, and try to open up my eyes. But it turns that i could not move on. It is getting worse. I am getting more and more obsessed with them. The worst is.. I'm afraid of losing them. They are like parasite sticking all over my brain.

What I wanna say here is about Myungsoo's Dating Scandal. I am truly sad and disappointed to be honest. Even though I try so hard to let it go and open up my eyes more. I am sad because he is taken by someone I guess he don't deserves. The entertainment company denies the rumor, but i don't think so since the girl and Myungsoo himself did't continue to clarifies.

It doesn't matter who he dates, sooner or later he will also be somebody's. I will try to be happy if he's happy, but definitely not this girl. I am so frustrated waiting for Myungsoo to clarifies the rumor. I just hate that choco-holic girl. She's too fake to be true, to be honest. I don't like the way she dressed, her fake jawline, the way she makes things up like this. Why do this now? Infinite is just reach their top with their world tour and this rumor messed it up. If you really want to publicize your relationship, why do that in an inappropriate way? Do you know how many fans' heart broke? Let's say if she try to do in a proper way, maybe we could try to understand and let it go even our heart hurt so much. We just a fan. Someone who cheer and support our Idols behind.

we cry, when they cry..

we laugh, when they laugh..

we just a shadow to them..

and no matter how hard we chase, it is hard to catch them up..

they don't know each of us, but they know our presence..

that's why i keep believing that someday they could recognize me.

I feel like I am living in another life. With fluffy white clouds, blue skies and rainbow around me. At night, i could pick a star and write my wish there. I am falling to deep in my fantasy and too busy dreaming..

Is there somebody who could wake me up?

September 18th

How should i say..
No matter how busy i am, blog has always been a good friend to me.

Everybody's changing.
I guess i have turned into a selfish person; my ego keeps getting bigger.
I believe there's nothing immortal in this world. Nothing last forever.
At the end everything will be gone,
Friends,
Family,
Lover,
They are all temporary.

That's why I've made a choice, while I am still alive I want to take care about myself,
think only about myself, my future.
I never know how long will i live, but i know,
I want to make my dreams come true.
I'm not a follower,
I follow my own heart and I decide mine.
That's why i've been trying so hard, even make me looks like a stranger to myself.
I have to collect every single penny i have,
Study with all i might, even i hate it so much like crazy,
Looking for every single kind of opportunity,
These dreams are too unstoppable.

I'm not good at talking to somebody since it's hard to trust someone.
Even your good friends sometimes talk about you behind your back..
They stick to someone better than you. Always.
Like walking on a path full of nails,
It hurts at first but slowly you are getting used to it.
Me too.

Too many things have changed.

Friends,

I'm going strong but pushed back too far.
Held my head up high but get drowned.
Life is a beautiful mess.
Drama and disasters.

Everytime the tears come out,
I love when you hold my hands,

telling me it was okay.

Though you might now know that you're the reason why.

If i was born with a heart made by steel,

If i could be stronger than i am,

I might never be afraid of losing something.

YOU.

You will never know, my untold story.

I didn't tell you my secret,

because you listen to them.

I lost you.

I miss the old you,

all the talks we've shared, laughter, tears.

Since from now on it will never be the same anymore..

You've change, 

becoming somebody in the back of my mind.

Spill of tears: Karma

Back to 2009, i started to listened to a new genre of music. Korean pop, best known as K-pop. At that time, not many idol groups debuted. Not as much as now. Super Junior suddenly came with “Sorry sorry”. The do-do-do song (DO DO DO note until the whole chorus) surely attract me. The youngest member Kyuhyun shining the most. But it doesn’t last too long. I am back to my western music taste and K-pop was like “Okay, i know them but not a fan of them”

2011, Same thing happened like 3 years ago. I laid in my bed, bored, keep switching TV channel and then my eyes are looking straight to those 5 boys. They look so young, typical koreans.  Their song is different from the other K-Pop song. It was “Replay”. It has some kind of RnB feel, The dance moves is just DOPE and the music is so catchy. They’re just different. When the song ends, i read the description and a word “SHINee” was written there. My brain is like rolling something “ SHINee, SHINee, SHINee.. ah, Minho! And Lucifer! The pretty guy in red pants!” Which later on i finally knew that his name is Taemin.

I knew SHINee at the time i still a fan of Super Junior, yeah.. since they came from same company. At that time, SHINee was just a rookie group. I first saw them with “Juliette” but i didn’t really notice the other member. Only Minho because he’s good looking and often came as a guest on variety shows. Onew, i heard his name a lot , yet  didn’t really know what he looks like. But neither Onew nor Minho, i was captured by that guy with thick eyebrows. He looks like a little kitty, so cute! His name is Key. He chooses the stage name Key because his real name is same as his sunbae “Super junior’s Kim Kibum”. Later on i also new that the fans gave him nickname “Kitty”. Yeah, he looks exactly like a little kitty!

This is my very first time being madly in love with Korean boyband. Maybe it was all karma. I used to talk a lot behind one of my friends who dedicated her life for Korea and K-Pop. Her acts kinda annoying and that’s the truth. I didn’t want to listen to K-Pop because she likes it and yeah.. i said to myself that i will never ever getting back together listen to any kind of K-Pop songs. KARMA!!

I become more and more obsessed with K-Pop. I started to know many groups, you name it i know it. My playlist used to be all kill western songs, but right now it turns to home of K-pop songs. I started to build my dreams. I learn Korean a lot, K-pop songs, K-pop dance even joining so many contests just to meet them. You can say that right now i dedicated my life to Korea.

Maybe it sounds exaggerated, but this is the reality and this is my life now. I always say that i can do all the things i wanted, but not all the time i feel like it. I'm just running from the truth and i admit it. Sometimes i feel broken and i just want to stop. Having a feel like this, do you think i like it? No. But i just can't stop. I didn't blame my idols of course, because i just try to take the positives from them like how they work hard to reach their dream. I want to be like that too! But in the end, i just feel pity for myself. I'm weird.

Friends? haha.. they just make fun of me..

not all of them i know, but i don't think telling something to them works for me..

Family? they don't even care..

Even myself? I was just like a turtle who lose its shell.

My dreams, i've built it high enough but could it be higher or maybe crashed away.

I never know..

To be continued..

Spill of tears: An Angel.

Okay, so let’s take a deep breath and i’ll start to spill everything here. I know it’s going to be a long long long story, that's why i divided this into few parts. Hopefully, it’ll open your eyes and yeah well.. try to understand a fangirl’s feeling J

So, It was all began in 2006, I was fell for a group of guy from Boston, Massachusets. They are all good looking boys from Berklee College of Music so no need to hesitate about their music! They named themselves “The Click Five”. And from them, my fangirling stories begin..

I remember it was my last year on elementary school and i was so crazy about them. I tell everybody i love them, even some of my friends also started to fell for them too. Their songs “Just the Girl”, “Catch Your Wave”, “Good day” are something i used to hear almost everyday. From the beginning and even after i knew them, i always know that i love to sing, but i still have no confidence about it. I feel like i’m lacking and i don’t want to be embarrassed to show my talents.

2 years passed and i’m no longer a fangirl of The Click Five. For a moment, i succeded to be a normal –junior high school-girl. Until around late April 2008, another.. ah, what should i say this? Angel? Okay, another angel come to my life. I was laid down in my bed, feeling bored and switching my TV channels here and there, and suddenly stuck on a show, American Idol. It was their 7th season and i didn’t watch it since the beginning. Then i told myself “Okay, let’s try to watch it!”.  I’m not a big fan of American Idol, but i did know some of the alumnus like Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Jennifer Hudson,  Carrie Underwood, Katherine McPhee, Jordin Sparks, Chris Daughtry.. Those amazing singers, who doesn’t recognize them?

There’s a young innocent looking guy standing on a huge stage. He was wearing maroon v-neck tee with flying birds print on the side of it. He sing “Stand By Me” and at the last part he twisted the song with adding a little piece of Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girl”

OH MY GOD!! SERIOUSLY, WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS, Okay.. I was in my store, helping my dad. I was typing this story exactly on this “Stand by me” part and suddenly music from the mall’s central is playing “Stand by me” DANG!! GOD!!! IS IT YOUR SIGN??? :’D Amazing..

His name is David Archuleta. From the moment he smiles after he sing that time, i know that i will fall for him for a long time. And until this second, I’m still a huge fan of him. It’s been 5 years. Yeah, eventhough i’m cheating with SHINee and Infinite, but David.. You know how i really feel for you, right? He is sooo humble and encourage me a lot trough music. He’s the first person who turns my hobby into passion. He turns me into a shy girl who always cry at the end of the performance into quite-confident girl who still try to beat the stage.

I used to be so obsessed with him. I even remember his locker number in high school. But now, that i’ve grown up that obsession turns into motivation. Because of him, i want to sing more with all my soul and that’s the reason why i fell for him. He sings with his soul. He speaks trough his songs.

Though i once missed a chance to meet him on 2011, but one day for sure I’ll see him close enough until i no longer cry because of sadness, but happiness. When that time comes, i want to sing for him with all my soul. I am not as awesome as he is in music, but when the time comes, i’ll do it to show him how much he had influenced me.

To be continued..

ALONE.

Maybe all this time i was right, 

i was born to be a loner.

I do not believe any kind of relation such as friendship though it doesn't mean i didn't have any friends.
I love them,

But sometimes we stab, we hide something, we don't want them to be like us, we jealous.
They told us their story but didn't want to hear our advice.

And vice versa, whether we know or not.

When I am alone, I could cry as loud as I can, laugh as hard as I can, I don't need to pretend to be someone else and I don't even need people's opinion.

I was born to be a loner,

Just because I like to do everything by myself, and I never believe everyone would do the same thing like i did.

Let me take a risk by myself, let me celebrate the success by myself.

I hate being compared, I hate people who compliment just because they're jealous.

Most of them are fake.

I'm so insecure and don't know who to believe. They could be a dove earlier and turn into a fox later.

I don't believe in friendship. 

You make friends because you need them, and not really want to be with them. 

Isn't that sounds true for you?

Sometimes all the sacrifice you gave turn into a waste.

You never know they probably laughing when you crying,

or maybe chilling and hangout while you struggling doing your team-homework.

True friends, there are less than 10 in this whole wide world.

And i didn't know how many i've found.
or maybe not.

Mau nggak mau, harus tetap memilih

Berdasarkan post terakhirku,

aku sudah memutuskan.

I AM NOT GOING.

Setelah pemikiran panjang dan berbagai pertimbangan, aku tidak akan berangkat pertukaran pelajar ke Korea *Boooooo~* Kenapa? karena ini mungkin memang belum saatnya. Tapi, 2 tahun lagi PASTI! PUASTI! Aku bakal pamer-pamer foto begitu kakiku pertama kali menginjak bandara Incheon di musim semi Seoul 2015. Berharap aja dunia belum kiamat waktu itu, dan Korut berbaik hati nggak jadi berusaha ngehancurin Korsel..

Tapi sedih? pasti sedih. 

Iri tau ngeliat kakak-kakak kelas yang udah siap magang ke Korea, Juli nanti berangkat! 

Barusan juga liat video dari HighStreet Fosho waktu ke Korea gara-gara menang BigBang contest design Samsung galaxy note 2. 

Well, i'm not a big fan of BigBang, tapi tetep aja iri. Perasaan aku juga sering ngikutin semacam lomba yang sama dengan sistem "Like" entah dimanapun, mempertaruhkan malu dan nggak peduli dianggap freak. Tetep aja, i have no luck at all.

Sebagai pelampiasan, saya memutuskan untuk memborong SHINee and Infinite stuffs. Akhirnya setelah pemikiran yang panjang, aku tinggal menunggu kehadiran pacar-pacarku..

L's Bravo Viewtiful..

Infinite New Challenge..

SHINee Why So Serious: The misconception of me..

Yang tentunya menghabiskan cukup banyak uang, 

dan sebenarnya juga agak menyesal kenapa nggak dipikir lagi

-______-

Dan yang paling buruk.

Disaat aku memutuskan nggak akan beli apa-apa lagi setelah semua barang ini, munculah secercah sinar di timeline twitter. Penasaran apa, akhirnya aku baca..

"SHINee to release photo travel essay 'Surprise Vacation' on May 25th"

Rasanya seperti dimutilasi *eh* 

SEDIH SEKALI! AKU MAU SEKALI! TABUNGANKU TERTAWA KERAS SEKALI!!!

OH TUHAN TOLONGLAH!

Aku cuma ingin bertemu dengan mereka. SHINee, Infinite, Myungsoo, Kibum. Mungkin aku sudah nggak bisa lebih lama lagi bersabar dan menunggu. Tapi aku juga nggak akan pernah tau apa takdirku. Apa mungkin beberapa bulan lagi akan ada keajaiban seperti yang aku selalu harapkan setiap hari, setiap detik, atau malah mungkin 10 tahun lagi aku bakal jadi seorang ibu-ibu yang masih tergila-gila dengan Kpop walaupun sudah bersuami dan ber-anak. Anak-anakku nanti juga ikut freak gara-gara niru kebiasaan mamanya yang suka teriak-teriak sendiri waktu nonton om-om Korea di TV. Suamiku juga cuma bisa geleng-geleng kepala dengan sedikit penyesalan. *ketok meja*

Begitulah..

Semoga sekarang aku cuma memupuk kesialanku menjadi suatu keberuntungan nantinya ya :')

Bisakah?

Andai hidup nggak harus memilih.

Sedih ya rasanya digantung, apalagi mengingat hal yang "digantung" itu adalah suatu hal yang benar-benar kamu inginkan.

Rasanya baru Jumat kemarin, saking bahagianya aku nggak tau otakku lagi lari kemana. Aku terlalu bahagia, sampe air mata terus ngotot minta keluar. Mungkin buat sebagian orang ini terlalu berlebihan, well i can't say anything soalnya mereka juga nggak bakal ngerti perasaan yang campur aduk macam apa yang aku rasain.

Setelah menghapus pilihan studi ekskursi ke korea nanti waktu semester 3 dan mentah-mentah ketolak ASP ke Busan (Belum cukup umur. Sedih.), aku udah jadi kayak anak ayam kehilangan arah. Aku nggak tau harus kemana, dan aku merasa berhenti gitu aja. Nggak ada lagi mimpi. Mustahil.

Tapi tiba-tiba, Jumat kemarin Tuhan seperti datang membawa berita bahagia "Paulina, dengarkan Saya.. Aku memberimu kesempatan untuk meraih mimpimu.." Lewat sang ibu dosen, disampaikanlah berita bahagia tersebut. Akan diadakan pertukaran pelajar ke Solbridge School of Business, Daejeon, Korea Selatan. Syaratnya, mahasiswa angkatan 2012 dan harus lulus seleksi. Seperti post ku kemarin, ketika hujan turun aku belum siap dan mati tersambar petir.

Bener-bener aku reflek jejeritan nggak tau malu, nggak peduli seberapa banyak orang yang denger di satu ruangan konfrensi waktu itu. Yang aku tau cuma, disitu ada kesempatan. Tapi perasaanku terlalu campur aduk..

Kalo mahal gimana?

Kalo sulit nerima pelajaran pake bahasa inggris gimana?

Kalo tiba-tiba nggak keterima?

Kalo pelajaran di surabaya keteteran semua?

Kalo ini kalo itu..

Akhirnya kuceritakan masalah ini kepada sang ibunda dan beliau hanya manggut-manggut, bertanya sepatah dua patah kata dan tidak memberi jawaban apa-apa. Sekarang aku galau dibuatnya.

Menurutku mestinya Daejeon nggak semahal Seoul, soalnya kan bukan pusat kota. Kemarin sih juga udah sempat cari-cari dorm via internet. Ketemu yang lumayan murah-murah juga. Cuma emang untuk masalah makanan, Korea agak mahal. Tapi nggak makan juga nggak apa kok, makin kurus makin hepi. Transport juga nggak terlalu mahal mestinya, 60.000 rupiah per hari sama kayak pergi ke kampus dari rumah naik taksi. TOEFL? Bisa lah.. masak nggak bisa?

Yang bingung sekarang aku dihadapkan pada dua pilihan. Mau sekarang pertukaran pelajar 6 bulan, tapi semua pelajaran keteteran atau nunggu 2 tahun lagi tapi menetap di Korea 1 tahun? 

Andai hidup nggak harus memilih..

aku pasti pilih dua-duanya..

Marrying Fantasy.

I am not a princess who will always get what she wants.

I am struggling for what i wanted, i do anything to get it.

But i guess i just have no luck at all.

Luck does not come every time. Luck is just luck.

And when luck comes like rain, i haven't prepared.

Dead by thunder.

People say you can live without money, but huh?

seriously? NO.

You live with money, you need money, people go crazy because of money..

And if only i'm that lucky to be the one who owns billions of money,

Probably i'm not this nuts.

Pathetic how i'm just marrying my fantasy.

Reality doesn't exist anymore for me.

I'm dreaming about him -who doesn't even know that i'm exist- to be mine.

I feel like hitting my own head to the wall really hard,

or i need a psychiatric.

I wonder why i have tons of friends but i always feel alone.

I wonder why i can't laugh without any burdens.

It goes the same all the time and i have no answer.

You know what they say,

What hurts the most is being so close and everything seems so close yet so far far away..

Still a long way to dream, still a long road to go

Fangirls are all the same

Hari ini aku pecah rekor, tidur jam setengah 4 pagi. Semalaman suntuk saya nggak tidur. Baru aja bentar memejamkan mata, si Myungsoo sudah bernyanyi "I love you neorul saranghae.. jamahaji mothan mal.." Gila-gila-gila! Aku benar-benar mulai tidur waktu alarm pagiku bunyi. CONGRATS YAH PAO! :*

Alasan kenapa aku nggak tidur? Nonton. Setelah dapet referensi film dari Candy, youtube langsung jadi sasaran utama. Kenapa aku jadi tertarik nonton? Karena begitu nonton film itu, Candy bilang langsung keinget sama aku. Well, perasaan semacam ini sungguh sulit di deskripsikan dan tentunya bikin aku penasaran, emang kayak apa maksudnya?

Film itu judulnya "Dream Street: The Biggest Fan". 

There's a lot of moment that makes me almost shed a tear. 

Setelah nonton Reply 1997 dan film ini, aku semakin menyadari sesuatu... 

Fangirls are all the same. 

Aku merasa normal, karena ternyata bukan cuma aku yang merasa diriku aneh soalnya terlalu nge-fans sama idola sampe segitunya. 

Aku merasa normal, karena bukan cuma aku yang teriak-teriak tiap kali teaser baru muncul. 

Normal, karena bukan cuma aku yang merasa tiap kali denger lagu dari idolaku badan ini langsung kebelet nari dan mulut ini ingin ikut nyanyi.

Normal, karena di setiap doa nggak pernah terlewat kata "Semoga mimpiku bisa jadi kenyataan",

Nangis sendiri di kamar gara-gara nggak bisa nonton konser,

Bicara sendiri sama poster di kamar, even say good morning, good night, hati-hati..

Sirik sama orang yang bisa lebih "mbelani" sama idol itu daripada diri kita sendiri..

SAMA.

Setelah nonton film itu, saya jadi semakin bermimpi. Gimana kalo memang bisa hal yang kita pikir nggak masuk akal tiba-tiba jadi kenyataan dan semuanya masuk akal?

With the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains?

Nyesek

Hidup adalah suatu realita yang tidak pernah bisa di duga. Kadang apa yang terjadi pada diri kita juga cuma bisa dilewati dengan senyum getir, mau gimana lagi kalau memang apa yang kita mau nggak sejalan sama kenyataan yang ada?

PINGIN TERIAK!

Nemenin Papa beli jam, kenapa hidup begitu kejam?

Apa yang aku lihat dan akan ceritakan setelah ini begitu menyayat hati.

Hobi ku tiap kali ke mall cuma satu, toko buku. 

Oke, aku nggak suka baca buku dan cuma tertarik sama buku-buku korea dan komedi. Tapi toko buku menjadi tempat wajib kunjung tiap kali ke mall. Nah, akhir-akhir ini list tempat wajib kunjungku nambah satu, toko kaset. Aku nggak tau kenapa, tapi rasanya selalu ada panggilan buat mampir toko kaset.

Begitu pula dengan hari ini..

Aku mampir ke sebuah toko kaset di Grand City Mall, Surabaya ketika kakiku melangkah ke rak album-album Kpop dan mataku tertambat pada 2 buah album.. ya.. 2 buah.. Seketika waktu berhenti, kaki melemas, semua menjadi gelap dan aku ingin teriak *maaf alay* SHINee DREAM GIRL!

THO.. LONG.. A.. KUWH... MAMAH!!

Satu hal yang semakin membuat aku hancurs adalah album itu ternyata ada di toko kaset lokal dan harganya jauh lebih murah daripada di online shop. DANG! Guweh ketipu 160 ribu di online shop sialan, kurangajar, sinting, gak tanggung jawab, gila, pingin ku caci maki yang punya dan di toko kaset itu harganya bahkan lebih murah, mamen! 150 ribu aja! Sedih.. BANGET. Pada akhirnya, aku memutuskan untuk tetap tidak membeli, karena hatiku sudah terlalu sakit mengingatnya. Hiks.. hiks.. hiks.. sampai jumpa Dream Girl ku, kalo kita memang berjodoh, suatu saat kau pasti jadi milikku :')

Aku ingin albumku, dengan uangku yang dulu.. apa itu terlalu susah untuk diwujudkan?

Cerita Kpop Guweh dan Paskah.

Gila mamen! Guweh sedang asik-asiknya menahan derita sakit perut bulanan dan hampir muntah-muntah belajar statistik, tiba- tiba dapet pencerahan macam ini..

OH MAMAH MOHON RESTU UNTUK MENIKAH DENGAN MEREKA!
Jadi, Infinite mendapat kemenangan pertamanya di Inkigayo! 오빠들, 축하해요!! Dan yang paling amazing, yang bikin aku nggak sanggup nahan diri buat *sekali lagi* nggak teriak-teriak kayak orang gila di depan laptop adalah.. kehadiran ketiga pacar guweh. Kim Kibum. Kim Myungsoo. Lee Hyunwoo. Seriusan.
Dan ini adalah wajah saya ketika melihat mereka di layar laptop..

Kurang lebih 11-12 sama orang ini..

"Kenapa dunia ini benar-benar tidak adil Mamah? KENAPAAAH?"

Mungkin kalo aku bisa ada di sana, ngeliatin si Hyunwoo nge MC, L sama Key tampil,  Sakit perut dan penderitaan akan lelah yang tak berkesudahan ini tidak berarti apa-apa. Apalagi dua bias paling tampan se-Kpop raya guweh berdiri berdampingan! Skip aja videonya ke 5:42 Bawa. Aku. Ke. Seoul. Sekarang. Titik maritik.
Oh  SELAMAT PASKAH untuk semua makhluk yang telah diselamatkanNya di bumi, untuk kamu kamu dan kamu.  YA KAMU! Terima kasih banyak atas penebusanMu ya Tuhan, dan dengan kebangkitanMu, aku percaya bahwa dunia ini senantiasa berada di bawah perlindunganMu. Tak pernah sekali pun Engkau meninggalkan kami. Terima kasih untuk cinta kasihMu yang tiada berkesudahan. I'm really grateful.
Dan mungkin gara-gara berkah Paskah, atau gara-gara doa saya sebelum tidur buat Tuhan, tadi malem saya mimpi indaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah banget.. Pada suatu hari, Seorang gadis yang sedikit tampan bernama Pauline bertemu idolanya yang berasal dari Korea Selatan. Sebut saja lelaki berambut pirang itu Key. Aku juga heran, kenapa mimpi aku akhir-akhir ini sangat mendetail sampai detail terkecilpun aku ingat. Key pake kaos warna hitam dan varsity navy + Snapback motif leopard. Auuuu...
Singkat cerita, kita saling berjumpa di coffee shop macam yang ada di drama-drama Korea gitu, ada Jonghyun juga ding di situ! Ceritanya aku lagi diajarin bahasa Korea. Terus juga sempet nanya-nanya sama mereka kalo mereka deket nggak sama group lainnya, Infinite misalnya. Dan mereka bilang deket sama beberapa member aja. Waktu itu aku bilang ke mereka "Ini sungguh kayak mimpi (ya emang cuma mimpi -___-) akhirnya aku bisa ketemu kalian!" Abis gitu si Key bilang "Tenang aja, kita kan masih bisa contact-contactan. Kamu ngelike semua fotoku di Instagram kan?"
JEDUARRRR!! DIA TAU! Abis itu yang aku inget cuma adikku masuk kamar dan teriak "WOI BANGUN WOI!" terus aku jadi kebangun. Kata-kata terakhir yang aku bilang "OPPA KAJIMA!!" Sambil terseok-seok di lantai cafe ngeliat Key sama Jonghyun pergi and not looking back. Mimpi selesai.
Ah, meskipun gitu saya tetap bahagia bisa mimpi indah setelah sekian lama tidak bisa bermimpi karena terlalu kecapekan dan tidur terlalu sebentar (Buat aku tidur 4-5 jam itu SANGAT sebentar, dan kalo tidur sangat sebentar ujung-ujungnya sepanjang hari saya pasti bete)
Yah.. Begitulah kira-kira.. Kapan ya saya bisa bener-bener ketemu mereka di Korea? Siapapun, ada yang tahu caranya dan mau bantu saya? *mewek*

Stadium akhir.

Maaf sekali lagi harus curhat karena aku ngerasa penyakit Kpopku sudah nggak bisa tertolong lagi.

Nggak tau apa yang ada di otakku, tapi *sigh* tolong saya atas obsesi ini!!

Saya takut jatuh, saya takut nggak bisa lagi melihat realitas..

I have faith but i don't think that it works.

Well, aku selalu berpikir suatu saat nanti pasti aku bisa pelan-pelan mewujudkan mimpiku. Banyak orang bilang mustahil, tapi kita semua nggak pernah tau kapan keajaiban terjadi, kapan Tuhan akhirnya bilang "Waktunya sudah tepat untukmu", kapan akhirnnya kita bukan nangis karena sedih mimpi kita terdengar menyedihkan tapi nangis karena bahagia, kapan akhirnya apel bisa tumbuh di pohon pisang. 

Some says purple, Some says violet.

Whatever people, whatever it is i'll get.

Tapi untuk sekarang semua terlalu menjemukan dan aku mulai merasa kalo aku sendiri membuat hidupku begitu menyedihkan. Menyedihkan?

Ya.

Dear Lord, what should i do?

cr: http://cathysquarepants.deviantart.com

Infinitely K-Pop

Setelah bersibuk-sibuk ria dengan segala kegiatan saya akhir-akhir ini di kampus, otak yang semakin tak terkontrol arahnya mau mikir ke mana, pelajaran kuliah yang semakin lama semakin membuat hidup saya menyedihkan, saya masih tidak bisa lepas dari satu hal..

KPOP.

Setelah puas menangis dan bertahan dengan mata panda selama kurang lebih 3 hari, efek galau masih belum dapat di hapuskan. Kenyataan bahwa aku nggak bisa menggunakan kesempatan nonton Music Bank dengan baik memang sungguh pahit. PAHIT.. BANGET.

Akhir-akhir ini juga saya jadi semakin tergila-gila sama Infinite, apalagi Myungsoo. Andai habis Music Bank bisa kubawa pulang dan kuculik dia di rumah. And guess what, March is awesomely daebak! SHINee comeback, Infinite comeback, David Archuleta new album. Gila saya benar-benar ingin beli semuanya, tapi DUIT GUWEH..

Sedih ya..

TRAUMA. Jaman sekarang ya, kalo orang Surabaya bilang jek usum ta (apa masih jamannya) nipu lewat online shop? Guweh stress mamen, duit 160 ribu melayang ditelan penipu. Emang sih, mau diapain lagi, cuma aku sangat-sangat-super-duper-hyper puingin album SHINee Dream Girl. At least, kalo mau nipu kirimin yang bajakan kek apa kek, ini main tinggal lari mana masih bisa caci maki customer. Eh salah, KORBAN BUKAN CUSTOMER. Bete saya.

Buat semua, KPopers jangan tergiur album harga murah ya. Lain kali mending beli yang agak mahal tapi sellernya bener-bener trusted. Saya beneran belajar banyak dari kejadian ini. Uang dan dream girl semua melayang :')

Hati-hati sama seller album Kpop dengan nama "Music Connection" atau "Musiq Conneqtion" pemiliknya namanya Rendy, pas baca-baca di kaskus sih katanya anak UPH 2009. GAK PEDULI! Mau UPH, UPI, UPJ.. KIRIMIN ALBUM PESENAN AKU! :'( 

Dia pake nama samaran kalo di sms, Angel. Heran, masih berani jadi bencong juga ini orang. Udah banyak yang ketipu bahkan ada yang sampe jutaan, jadi hati-hati ya. FBnya udah di hapus, berdoa sajalah semoga ia mendapat ganjaran yang sepantasnya. Sedih, tiap kali mau beli album original SHINee selalu aja ketipu :'(

Tapi, kalo emang ditakdirkan buat punya, suatu saat pasti bisa dapet penggantinya kan? :')

WHY.

OH WOOOOOOORLD! I'm so mad and so sad now. I can't watch music bank and it drives me crazy. I really want to meet Infinite and SHINee. Seeing them just arrived in airport trough fanpage just give me another pain. We're like in the same country, timezone, language and just separated by freakin' cruel distance. Why can't i watch them?

Am i able to meet them one day in Korea when i feel so pessimistic about that? :(

Vanished.

Terribly sad. There's no other thing that crossed my mind right now, except the fact that i'm so broken hearted.

I've tried every chances that i can take to win Music Bank Jakarta ticket. Still, i don't get it. I guess i already give up. I laughed at myself, looking at how silly i am doing all this stuffs. I know this is an effort, yet it turns to something effortless.

I can't tell the universe how much i want it. I didn't ask people to look pity on me. I simply want it. NOW.

Never expect something which not affordable. That seriously break you apart.

Yet, i still have faith. He has a bigger and better plan for me. Now it's just not my time. Maybe He laughed at me now, He still didn't sure about my effort and how much i want it. He wanted to see more of me. He wanted me to do something even more. Soon enough, i will cry.. not because i'm desperate like this, but because i'm happy that i finally meet them. Face to face. Hand in hand.

But now.. It's just good bye.

Wildflower

Sometimes i questioned myself, why i was born like this and why i had this way of life.
If most of the girls out there portraying themselves as a flower, maybe i'm just a wildflower.
My presence is not expected, grow up everywhere i want.

But still looks the same from afar..

cr:  wildflowerfashion.blogspot.com

I found it weird,
How i think that hanging out with boys is much more convenient rather than with girls.

No need to be someone else, no need to act pretty, no need to be pampered.

Girls are just girls, they use all their feeling but hardly understand other's feeling.

It's not that i'm 100% not doing that, but sometimes that excessive attitude is just irritating.

I'm just another normal girl,
but i have different point of view.
They are proud of having red-sole heels, i'm proud just having my sneakers.
They are proud to look pretty everywhere they go, what kind of girl doesn't want to look pretty?
They are proud eating in a fine dining restaurant, having a simple meal is more than enough for me..

They said i'm a freak,

maybe.

Forget.

When you're hoping too much yet the situation driving you nuts

You just want to stop

Slowly forget

Cause it only gives you pain

All those dreams buried.

Not sure how to move on and let go because everything seem useless.

2013

HEY PEOPLE, i know it's kinda late *i always late* but HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!

WE ARE ALIVE!!!

This year i won't make any complicated resolutions. I just want to be grateful. Grateful for everything He gave to me. I'll learn how to be grateful for my parents, for my home, for my family, for my surroundings, for my friends, and fooooor everything! Then i guess i could live my life happily. Brainwash.. brummmm~

New year means January. Okay, i'm not gonna promoting that my birthday will come really soon but i don't wanna get old! *Okay im not being grateful* This year is really different, i am least excited about my birthday. Well i don't know..

And by the way..

Would it be come true just like what i wish 2 years ago?