Bisakah?

Andai hidup nggak harus memilih.

Sedih ya rasanya digantung, apalagi mengingat hal yang "digantung" itu adalah suatu hal yang benar-benar kamu inginkan.

Rasanya baru Jumat kemarin, saking bahagianya aku nggak tau otakku lagi lari kemana. Aku terlalu bahagia, sampe air mata terus ngotot minta keluar. Mungkin buat sebagian orang ini terlalu berlebihan, well i can't say anything soalnya mereka juga nggak bakal ngerti perasaan yang campur aduk macam apa yang aku rasain.

Setelah menghapus pilihan studi ekskursi ke korea nanti waktu semester 3 dan mentah-mentah ketolak ASP ke Busan (Belum cukup umur. Sedih.), aku udah jadi kayak anak ayam kehilangan arah. Aku nggak tau harus kemana, dan aku merasa berhenti gitu aja. Nggak ada lagi mimpi. Mustahil.

Tapi tiba-tiba, Jumat kemarin Tuhan seperti datang membawa berita bahagia "Paulina, dengarkan Saya.. Aku memberimu kesempatan untuk meraih mimpimu.." Lewat sang ibu dosen, disampaikanlah berita bahagia tersebut. Akan diadakan pertukaran pelajar ke Solbridge School of Business, Daejeon, Korea Selatan. Syaratnya, mahasiswa angkatan 2012 dan harus lulus seleksi. Seperti post ku kemarin, ketika hujan turun aku belum siap dan mati tersambar petir.

Bener-bener aku reflek jejeritan nggak tau malu, nggak peduli seberapa banyak orang yang denger di satu ruangan konfrensi waktu itu. Yang aku tau cuma, disitu ada kesempatan. Tapi perasaanku terlalu campur aduk..

Kalo mahal gimana?

Kalo sulit nerima pelajaran pake bahasa inggris gimana?

Kalo tiba-tiba nggak keterima?

Kalo pelajaran di surabaya keteteran semua?

Kalo ini kalo itu..

Akhirnya kuceritakan masalah ini kepada sang ibunda dan beliau hanya manggut-manggut, bertanya sepatah dua patah kata dan tidak memberi jawaban apa-apa. Sekarang aku galau dibuatnya.

Menurutku mestinya Daejeon nggak semahal Seoul, soalnya kan bukan pusat kota. Kemarin sih juga udah sempat cari-cari dorm via internet. Ketemu yang lumayan murah-murah juga. Cuma emang untuk masalah makanan, Korea agak mahal. Tapi nggak makan juga nggak apa kok, makin kurus makin hepi. Transport juga nggak terlalu mahal mestinya, 60.000 rupiah per hari sama kayak pergi ke kampus dari rumah naik taksi. TOEFL? Bisa lah.. masak nggak bisa?

Yang bingung sekarang aku dihadapkan pada dua pilihan. Mau sekarang pertukaran pelajar 6 bulan, tapi semua pelajaran keteteran atau nunggu 2 tahun lagi tapi menetap di Korea 1 tahun? 

Andai hidup nggak harus memilih..

aku pasti pilih dua-duanya..

#KpopVirus

 I'm feeling so random and i feel like doing some silly stuffs.

This past few days i've been tweeting about Kpop Virus on my twitter. This disease has been spreading trough one to another continent, from Asia to Africa. It's 23:20 PM with Dr. Elizabeth Pauline, M.Kpop here, keep reading if you want to know more about this "dangerous" virus.

From its definition, Kpop is a genre of music originated especially from South Korea. Well known by it's stomping beats, unique melody and good looking singer (usually boy or girl groups). According to scientist, virus is a microorganism that is smaller than a bacterium that cannot grow or reproduce apart from a living cell. So, Kpop Virus is microorganism that is smaller than a bacterium that cannot grow or reproduce apart from Kpop?

Let's just say that it is a virus that people could be infected once they started to love Kpop.

Symptom:

• Listening to Kpop music almost everyday
• Understand Korean language (Even just a little)
• Knows every single boy and girl groups
• Dreaming to go to Korea
• Have at least a bias
• etc.

From all those symptoms given above, we can see that this virus is quite "dangerous". Kpop virus attacking most of the girls, even it is possible for a guy to be infected. If you want to examine people around you who already infected with this virus, actually it's quite easy. I give you five most common different reaction normal person and infected person do.

Condition 1: Watching Group X's comeback teaser
Normal: "What is this? What is their purpose making a minute video? Wasting their money?"
Infected: "OH MY GOD!! NO NO NO! THEY LOOK HOT! I'M DIE! I'M SO DIE"


Condition 2: Watching rookie group on youtube
Normal: "Another boy/girlband.. *straight face*"
Infected: "Wow, A and B are really cute, C and D's voice is so mesmerizing and E's rap is sooo.. Oh.. Okay,  I'm a fan now!"


Condition 3: In the shopping mall, watching the idol's standing character as a brand ambassador
Normal: "This shop really knows how to get some money"
Infected: "Ah ah ah! Take me a picture with him! Hurry hurry!"


Condition 4: Watching Kpop concert Fan camera on Youtube
Normal: "Dang! What is this screaming videos? Didn't they have something better to upload?"
Infected: "NOOOOO!!! SHE/HE'S LOOKING AT THE CAMERA!! I WANT TO BE THERE! I WANT TO BE THERE!! GAHH! YOU SO LUCKY!!!"


Condition 5: Reading fan fiction
Normal: "What an absurd story."
Infected: "If only this was a reality, AH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.."

As a result, Kpop virus causing obsession, dreaming, imitating, crying, losing a lot of money, fangirling and more. Until this time, there are no specific potion to heal this virus. It's just a matter of time, until you started to get bored to this. The effect on each person is different, some could be infected for months, some for a years and some for the rest of their life, depends on how we try to stay close in a normal line.

It's getting really late here, almost 23:56 PM and Dr. Pauline Elizabeth, M.Kpop still have a lot of works to do. So another updates for this virus would be written in this blog as soon as possible. For questions and responds, just write down in the comment box below. Our team would gladly response your feedback. Good night and stay healthy!

Dr. Pauline Elizabeth, M.Kpop

Back to blogging.

It's been a while. This past few months went really hectic with examination and stuffs. In just a few days the national education department going to announce our national exam's result. It's really frightening to be honest. Since i realize i didn't do really well last month. The fear of "Failure" is haunting. But i'm gonna shout " I AM PASSED", right? :D

There's a lot of stuffs i want to talk about. Hah, last time i said i want to change my blog look but seems like i don't have enough time to do it. It's been a month since My Mom is working on her new store in Pasar Atom, and you know.. Pasar Atom is a heaven for shoppers. Sometimes she just can't handle the crowd so she asked me to help her there. Now i'm getting used to it and i started to love it, rather than have to stay at home and doing nothing, spend my money unwisely. I love the job.

I still can't get over of being an obsessive daydreamer..

Instead of waiting, why don't you make efforts into it?

I always think that i need someone and somewhere to spill out my feelings. ALL OF THIS. Wise people said that "It's better if you have a dream than have no dream and nothing to do for life", i guess they have to change it a little bit to "It's better if you have a REALISTIC dream than have no dream and nothing to do for life". It kills you slowly but sure. I believe in miracle, turning point and possibilities, but i'm just an ordinary human, i'm tired of waiting.

You see my last post? About that video? I staked my embarrassment just to win the contest. FYI, i'm not that type of person who comfortable to act in front of the camera. But i did! Just because i want to visit Korea so bad (Anyway, i really need your help to increase the view numbers and like. Just click here!). I keep doing silly things to reach my dreams.

A friend said to me, "Your dream would all come true when An apple finally grow on Banana tree on February 30th". When he said that, it's like a big axe stabbed my heart. It does hurt yet challenging, somehow motivating. "If you put your dream too high, it'll be hurt when you fall" he added. I know the risk. Who said i'm not afraid to fall? I do want to prove that i'm not just a "daydreamer next door."

What a complicated feelings.

It's already 11:49 PM now and another day is waiting. I hope this short-thought-sharing could relieve my feelings a little bit. And, good luck for all the daydreamers in the world. Slowly take a baby steps to leap over your destiny.

Song of the day : Adele - Daydreamer  *Totally resembles this feeling*

Pauline.

MIMPI

Jesus looked at them and said, With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with #Mark 10:27

Mimpi. Dimulai dari kata itu aku jadi pingin nulis lagi. Akhirnya berhasil juga kembali ke sini sesudah tidur panjang dan pencarian topik menarik tapi tak kunjung kutemukan. Mimpi memang ngasih inspirasi, tapi juga nyeret-nyeret perasaan saya jadi galau begini. *muter lagu-lagu SHINee terus nangis. hiks hiks #alay*

Yah okelah, mana ada di dunia ini orang yang nggak pernah punya mimpi, harapan, cita-cita? Nggak mungkin ada! Sekalipun orang yang udah bosen idup juga tetep nggak mungkin. Masalahnya apa mimpi itu salah?

Mungkin iya, tapi tidak.

Akhir-akhir ini emang gara-gara memikirkan masalah perkuliahan yang bikin hidup kelas 12 ini makin pusing dan runyam, aku jadi banyak menghayal, mimpi. Mungkin emang pikiranku mulai "diajak" lebih terbuka buat mikir, mau jadi apa aku nanti? gimana cari tambahan biaya buat ngeringanin beban ortu *secara guweh udah merasa cukup umur untuk bisa bantu-bantu*? apa harapan-harapanku bisa tercapai? apa AKU BISA BIKIN ORANG TUAKU BAHAGIA dengan pilihanku? atau aku mungkin salah pilih?

Dream is beautiful and easy to see yet so hard to reach. #Me.

Aku punya banyak mimpi! Aku pingin bisa nabung banyak, yang untuk sekarang emang sulit bisa terealisasikan karena entah mengapa selalu ada pengeluaran meskipun sudah HAMPIR setiap hari saya berhemat. Sebisa mungkin nggak jajan di sekolah, biarpun tiap hari dikasih Mama uang jajan. 

Aku pingin bisa keliling dunia! Aku pingin bisa ketemu Archie dan SHINee, yang aku bilang ke semua orang, kalo aku nggak bakal mau mati dulu sebelum ketemu mereka. Hahaha.

Aku pingin bisa sukses dan bisa bantu orang tua! Anak baek mana hayo yang nggak pingin kayak gini juga? Ingin ini ingin itu banyak sekali♫ #nyanyithemesongdoraemon. Hahaha.

Tapi pada intinya dari semua mimpi-mimpi itu, aku terlalu gampang putus asa buat mewujudkan semuanya. Mungkin aku punya ide, tapi aku nggak tau cara mewujudkannya. Aku lebih sering ngeratap daripada usaha, nggak tau gimana caranya buat bangkit, nggak tau harus mulai dari mana. Kadang, aku cuma bisa nangis *yang menurut semua orang-orang wasting time, tapi always make me feel better* mengasihani diri saya sendiri. Menyedihkan bukan? Ya, menyedihkan! Nggak jarang aku mikir, kenapa kok kayak gini? kenapa aku nggak bisa? kenapa aku beda?

Meski gitu, masih ada secuil keyakinan sih di dalem diriku. Aku yakin kalo semua mimpi itu bisa terwujud. Akhir-akhir ini juga saya mulai menambah semangat dan motivasi saya dari baca-baca cerita-cerita inspiratif. Beberapa bilang kalo hidup kita ini semua juga berasal dari mimpi, jadi aku masih ada sedikit keyakinan kalo semua ini bisa jadi kenyataan. Aku juga pernah ngalami beberapa kali, kalo boleh jujur. Hmm.. itu kayak Tuhan bener-bener jawab permohonan kamu, tanpa sadar bahwa kamu sudah melakukan usaha terbaik dan Tuhan ngeliat itu semua. Yah.. sampai detik jari-jari saya nyentuh keyboard ini saya masih meyakinkan diri kalo emang semua mimpi itu MUNGKIN. That's why aku ngutip quote inspiratif *Ehm. Jadi alim* dari injil Markus diatas.

Yah posting ini sekedar sharing aja sih, when i write everything feels better. Feel free to leave comment atau sekedar support apalah. Saya merasa masih butuh banyak keyakinan lebih buat bisa lebih optimis *sigh*

Terimakasih yang sudah baca. Kisah galau lain saya sepertinya akan berlanjut di post berikutnya. Haha :D

Pauline♥

'End' of the journey (?)

Yak yak yak, saya pending dulu kisah menyedihkan saya tentang kang David yang seharusnya saya tulis beberapa hari lalu, yang terbengkalai gara-gara kesibukan saya di DBL *belagak artis*. Hahaha.

* * *

The competition hasn't finished yet, tapi untuk Clique, mungkin taon ini belum punya kami. Jujur, kalo boleh bilang, big 5 sama sekali bukan sesuatu yang bisa dibanggakan *well, manusia nggak pernah puas!* meskipun mestinya itu adalah suatu hal yang sangat patut dibanggakan, soalnya jadi 5 besar dari ratusan sekolah itu SANGAT NGGAK GAMPANG.

Kecewa? Oh ya pasti! Tapi bukan kecewa karena nggak lolos ke best 3. Okelah, sedikit. Tapi lebih-lebih gara-gara ngerasa menghancurkan mimpi banyak orang. Terlalu banyak yang terlibat dan ekspektasi udah bener-bener tinggi. Terutama dengan si abang, yang paling banyak *dan terlalu banyak* berkorban. Devastated. Bener-bener kacau waktu kemaren nggak bisa ngapa-ngapain waktu semua down. Yeah, i'm down too. Bener-bener minta maaf , Chem buat semuanya. Maybe sorry is never enough :(

Anyway, nahan emosi dan ngempet sesuatu itu terbukti sangat tidak baik bagi pikiran, jiwa dan raga. Sewaktu tengah pertandingan final cowok kemaren, dan tau kami gak lolos, saya berusaha sabar sementara yang lain mulai nangis. Entah kenapa rasanya terlalu berat buat nangis sementara kemenangan tim cowok udah di depan mata. Yang disesali, saya ngerasa bikin banyak orang kecewa. Waktu perform big 5 kemarin, kain box saya gak kebuka dengan sempurna dan kain selendang saya juga lepas-lepas, that makes me even worse. Selain itu juga malu! 2500 orang lebih menyaksikan itu dan gagal gitu aja. What a shame. Ini taon pertama dan terakhir ikut DBL dan saya bahkan nggak bisa bikin itu jadi momen yang berharga. Saya relain konser David Archuleta yang saya tunggu 3 taon dan udah di depan mata demi ini dan dapet banyak harapan besar dari temen-temen, itu yang semakin bikin sakit hati. Apalagi mengingat, well.. omongan-omongan kurang enak dari beberapa sekolah lain ditambah si Mama *oh my God* yang kurang mengerti betapa berharganya ini *meski akhirnya ngerti juga* dan bilang saya kayak anak kecil. Okeh, aku tau maksudnya baik, tapi please Mom kemaren maleeeeeem aja biarin aku nangis sepuasnya. Hidup memang berat saudara! akhirnya air mata nggak tertahan juga.

Hasilnya, pagi ini saya bangun dengan wajah super suram. Mata bengkak dan pusing setengah mati. Bangun siang sekali dan nggak nafsu makan. Terharu baca timeline-timeline di twitter tentang support dari semua temen-temen dan alumni. Thank you everybody, saya gak akan pernah nyesel sekolah di Sinlui dan kenal kalian semua.

At least, dibalik tiap kesedihan pasti ada kemenangan. 

CONGRATULATION FOR BOYS BASKETBALL TEAM! 

YOU'RE THE CHAMPION! 

Masih ada tanggal 23, you better show your best! Semangat, Mario, Lauren, Ricky, Chandra, Patrick, Juan, Bayu, Gio, Stanley, Vialy, Adit, James! Kalian pasti bisa! dan tentunya buat OSIS dan tutor yang sudah mati-matian mengelola 2500++ supporter dan yeah, we deserve that BEST SUPPORTER AWARD! Proud of you all! Gara-gara kalian semua juga hari ini Romo Alex berbaik hati meliburkan kita *yeahyeahyeah! \m/* Ramaikan lagi DBL arena sabtu besok :*

Clique, saya cintah kalian semua cemans-cemans. Cemungudh! Trio macan (elma,okta,nanda) taon depan harus lebih semangat lagi. Bakal rindu es tebu, papa americano, dunia lain, masterchef margorejo, gak gak kuat, Yovan the gorilla dan upil magnet!! *ngelap ingus kayak Lingke* masih ada hari Sabtu! mari gila-gilaan!!! Dan untuk si abang :

Taken this morning. CEMUNGUDH BANG BOLAY! :p

Sorry for not making it trough, for making you down and disappointed and not cheering you up. Sorry.

*Sudah ya sedih-sedihnya. Masih ada hari esok yang lebih baik*

The real winner doesn't have to win all the time. That's just a game plan.

-Elizabeth Paulina

upsidedown :p

Jadi, entah kenapa saya ingin nge post sesuatu berhubung saya sedang free karena ujian sudah selesai! *Hell yeah!* Tentunya seperti apa yang sudah bisa kalian baca, post saya kali ini berbahasa Indonesia. Kenapa? karena saya barusan membaca blognya Raditya Dika dan sungguh inspiratif! I mean, sekalipun pake bahasa Indo, tapi cara penulisannya tetep bagus dan gak bikin bosen. Yah, ada keuntungannya lagi sih dibanding bahasa inggris. Aku gak perlu mikir terlalu lama merangkai kata-kata atau sekali-sekali nyolong buka google translate demi tau kata yang pingin aku tulis. You might think i'm good at english, but actually i'm not that good :p Anyway, dalam penulisan post ini, aku gak bakal nulis pake kata "gue-lo" atau bisa-bisa dibombardir orang-orang yang kenal aku gara-gara "Ya ampun, arek iki yo sok jakarta pol. Alay. Nggilani". NO.

Nah, kebetulan tadi siang waktu pulang dari sekolah, aku sempet baca baliho di jalan dari sebuah perguruan tinggi swasta yang.. umm.. cukup tersohor lah lewat iklan-iklannya di TV dan media cetak. Tulisan baliho itu " Pengangguran No, Kerja Yes " berhubung waktu itu otak saya langsung memutar sesuatu, saya jadi kepikiran nulis blog, tapi karena cukup males nulis pake bahasa inggris *salah satu faktor penghambat blog saya sering sepi* akhirnya niatan itu wurung. Terus, kenapa saya suka sok keren nulis post pake bahasa Inggris? Nonono, bukan sok keren maupun unyu atau sok bule apalah itu terserah.. Saya cuma pingin lebih banyak orang bisa baca. Kalo pake bahasa Indo kan terbatas cuma orang Indo aja yang ngerti, tapi kan kalo Inggris worldwide banget, yah.. meskipun grammar dan vocab saya juga standar -.-
Back to topic! Nah sepanjang perjalanan saya mikir tentang kata-kata di baliho itu:

Bayangkan semua orang bekerja dan nggak ada pengangguran di negara ini. Lah, pasti nggak akan ada kriminalitas. Apa coba yang dicari orang kalo semua kebutuhan hidupnya sudah cukup dari bekerja? Nah, terus kalo nggak ada kriminalitas buat apa ada polisi buat membela kebenaran dan keadilan di tengah-tengah masyarakat? Kalo semua adem ayem kan si polisi nggak ada kewajiban dan balik lagi ke pengangguran kan? Polisi cuma sebagai status aja.

Ini mirip juga sama pertanyaan yang pernah muncul di tweetku. "Why does people call them  BEST friend if they had more than one good friend. Doesn't best mean the one and only?"  Ya, kenapa orang-orang sering bilang kayak "Uhh.. i love my best friends.. Lala.. Lili.. Lulu.. Love you all, girls" I mean like, Hello? Di sekolah manapun dari pinggiran sampe tengahan, guru inggris kalian pasti ngajarin kalo "BEST" berarti paling atau ter-, kan?. Paling itu pasti cuma ada satu. Paling besar, paling cantik, paling pinter, termahal, tercepat dll. Lah, terus kalo yang dibilang best friend orangnya ada lebih dari satu, they should call them "better friend" not "best friend". That's why sampe sekarang aku nggak terlalu percaya yang namanya best friend itu really does exist.. Soalnya aku ngerasa banyak orang baik buat aku, tapi nggak sepenuhnya yang TERbaik buat aku. Hehe.


Jadi, kadang teori yang kita pelajari di sekolah dan kenyataan itu berbanding terbalik *atau kita yang nggak bisa menerapkannya dengan baik?* Jadi kembali lagi, buat apa kita sekolah kalo kita belajar sesuatu hal yang terbalik dari kenyataan? :p

Something called plagiarism

Things that plagiarist should notice :

• You can got inspiration by anybody, but that doesn't mean that you have to copy each little detail of everything and pretending like "oh this is my works. i'm so creative" whereas you just copy someone's work.
• I red an article about artist, and it says that an artist didn't really need money but they just need appreciation and it cost more than anything. Make them proud by showing to peoples your art which inspired by them. If your works are good, people would also see you in a right way, right?
• Give your own style!! It's okay to copy, but give a touch of your own style. Do not copy 100% of the original artist's work!
• DARE TO ADMIT THAT YOU ARE COPYING SOMEBODY.

Why did i wrote this? because now i felt like my idea is stolen by somebody. That's really sucks you know, when you create something and someone copied your work and trying to look innocent like it doesn't know anything about your work. Okay honestly, who never be inspired by somebody? I do inspired by a lot of people's artwork. But that doesn't mean that i copy their work, i only learn about how could they make such an amazing artwork. I did put some elements from that inspiration in my work, but i didn't copied it at all and i always told everybody, about my inspiration.

But this person, it has no idea about what it's doing. Oh please.. i know you do copy my works and you tell every people that it was your creative idea? and you got inspired by  something else? Oh please.. I know you like years and that's enough for me to know a lot of story about your "innocence" thing. I mean, it's okay if you copied mine, i would feel happy for being an inspiration for someone. But could you just stop pretending to be innocent that you have already copied someone's work? You always do the same thing since the first time i get closer to you.

I didn't mean to bash anything or act like a pro artist, but let's think logically: How could you improve your skills in art if you keep copy and copy and copy people's artwork? How could you be a good artist if you didn't want to share your skills to people and always pretend like you just made every artwork of yours by accident?

Who does like a plagiarist? No one! Do you want that mark "stuck" on your head? Stop pretending and be realistic. If you just be who you really are, then everybody would appreciate you and your artwork. But once again, what you've down now is just letting you drown in a world of lies and hypocrisy, could you resist that?

Thing that happened lately

I decided to write random post about things that happened lately in my life which is i don't know.. should i say, frustrating? Yeah, at the beginning of 2011, i should say that this year is a bad start for me. This past 2 months i got really stressed and drown into my worst mood, i got my eyes watery like everyday and i cried so bad like baby for some reason i don't even know. I try to control my emotion, like si Abang said about things he didn't like about me "Being a sensitive person is good, but don't think about something too much if that's not really necessary for you". I try it but.. it's just doesn't work.

* * *

Today, once again i cry. Honestly, i hate crying in the middle of the lesson because people might see me like "Oh! she's trying to seek our attention", No, I'm not guys! Do you think i did that? No. Definitely not. I blame myself a lot for not study last night. Okay, that was my fault, i should've realize and know that today's test not gonna be easy. History and Math, what a JACKPOT! And i didn't study for math, i only studying history. The result is, i couldn't work my math test at all. And it's killing me to see that i got a big possibilities of remidial test which mean my chance to be on the parallel rank is getting farther and of course i couldn't make my parents proud of me. What a life..

But i was kinda relieved after Ce Linda, Ce Mewox and si abang try to comfort me. They do make me feel better just by asking my condition. Thanks for all of you, especially ce Linda who also share your past and teach me how to feel better :*

* * *

I also want to say get well soon to Marcella Claudia Marsudi whose hospitalized for her illness. I hope you're getting better, Cel. I'm really sorry i couldn't visit you today. But trust me, i do pray for your recovery and i hope i could see you really soon at school :*

* * *

I got HERSHEY'S in my fridge! Woohoo! My auntie brought me a pack of chocolate which content Milk Duds *I prefer to call it Milk DUDE*, Kit Kat, Hershey's milk chocolate and Take 5. Woot! That's totally make my day. Especially Kit Kat and Take 5. First bite, you could already taste a goodness of peanut, caramel, pretzel, chocolate and peanut butter *just by imagine about it could makes me drooling*

Check out the "crime scene" pics :

What a Yum-Yum

Reflection of mine

Since i really want to start to change to be a better person, i made a list about my habits which i should realize to turn it from bad things into good things. Let's say that i am..

1. Have no confidence. Yeah.. i guess i'm too shy to show peoples everything that i actually able to do.
2. Not really dare to get out of my comfort zone. I do love experience but that's it! I always do what i can do but never try to trying new things and enjoy it.
3. Too quiet with uncomfortable situation. Sometimes, maybe people might see me as a happy and funny person but they maybe also see me really quiet and shy one. That's because i'm not comfortable with some kinda situation whether that is about the people surround me or the situation getting wrong. I could be so loud with my friends that i think i could get crazy with, but i just keep quiet with some people that i think didn't really knew me and i'm really introvert about that.
4. Way too sensitive! Yes, there's nothing i should hide about my sensitivity, many friends also admit it. I don't know why, but i often think about something *that i shouldn't care* too much and i always feel like i have a tons of mistakes that could make people hate me. I'm afraid that people would talk behind my back, i'm afraid that i'm falling in a really bad relation with people i do really love.
5. Always afraid that people would hate me. I hate to be alone and have nobody to lean on. I never want to try to seek for enemies, but i always felt like there's always someone who hates me.
6. Only do things when i want to. This is happened especially in my home. My Mom like always ask me to do this thing that thing and i always said "wait" before i did it, i mean like i never do it immediately. When i'm in my good mood, i wanted to help her to do this and that, but since lots of my time are not really happy, i always kinda lazy to do everything immediately.

So, that is several worst thing about me. I wish i could change it, maybe little by little but one good thing about me "I always did something that i'm passionate with seriously". I hope i could do it well. This and next month program =  trying to boost my confidence!

Burying Dreams.

I'm kinda feeling sad. I don't know why, i always felt like sometimes this world is really unfair. It's pretty sad to see people should burying their dreams.

It began a few hours ago, when i was at school waiting for some friends to come practicing. It was just me, Indira, Okta, and Sheila. Indira and Okta were talking something and at first i don't want to ruined their business, because yeah.. every people have their own privacy. But i couldn't stand it anymore until i saw Indira cried. I asked her why and she told me eveything about her problems.

She was in a period of post-operative healing her appendicitis and desperate to keep dancing. I know it's really hard to leave something that we love the most. Few weeks ago, she went to the doctor to check her suture scars and she didn't get a good news. The doctor said that her scars getting worse and it starts to attacks her kidneys. One of the best way to heal that is to stop dancing. She said that she always feels sick after doing some routine, maybe it brings a serious impact to her scars. I don't know. Maybe. Her mom asked her to stop, but you know how does it feel to leave something we love? It's hard; Moreover, she already starts dancing since she was just a little girl. What a poor girl. Finally she decided to stop after she finishes this Frateran Cup and it brings me to a really deep sadness. She's not just an ordinary dancer, she's pretty much good at it. I guess she's a lot more better than me too. But knowing that she should stop and burying her dreams, it's painful.

I know you'll be back as a better dancer :)

I just hope all the best for her. For her recovery, for her fate and for her dancing career. Maybe it's hard to leave it now, but i guess you already take a right choice to stop now and starts to dance again later, than have to force yourself to keep dancing but later in the future you couldn't dance forever.

Keep fighting Indira! I *and we* will wait you to come back soon :*

Future, mind intruder

Me and my girls, Jojo, Clara and Celine had a sleepover at Catrul's dorm last night. We were planning to escort Gaby to the airport for our last meeting before Gaby was gone to Pennsylvania, U.S. We made a scrapbook for her and it took a lot of time. Just in time when Devago came to Catrul's dorm and picked us up to the airport, we finished those scrapbook. We didn't sleep all night (actually i'm not, because i fell asleep for 2 hours yet it still exhausting) and now i feel really effete.

What i want to share here wasn't those sleepover thing, but a conversation between Me and Jojo at her house, right before we went to GM to hang out for the last time with Gaby and then headed to Catrul's dorm.

Yes, we talked about future. About job, family and especially boys. *Sigh* I can't stop thinking about it until now, because it keeps ruining my whole mind. I wonder why we have to grow up and be mature? Why don't we just stay the same like now? Why should we thinking about our future? Why should we care about it? Why should we married and try our hardest to seek the RIGHT guy to accompany us till we die?

The biggest question in my head right now is, How could we find someone who really love us, not just for a relationship but someone who will love us everlastingly? I remember how one of my best friends broke up with her bf's and she said "I'm not only a thing for you to chased, but i am someone you should maintained for" i still remember those words. I think, right now there are so many guys who just tried to chase a girl, but then when they finally got it they left 'em. I used to feel it once, but fortunately i didn't fell in love with that guy.

Girls always tried to find the best guy for her life and her future. Me, myself, i like a guy which is honest, gentle, have the foresight and know how to treat a girl perfectly. Umm, yeah i know it's impossible to find the perfect guy like that. But i think i found one who is "beside" me now, eventhough he's not that perfect *there's nobody perfect* ;) I didn't really care about material things, for sure. I just wanted to find someone who will love me sincerely and try to understand the shortcomings that i have. That's it.

And then me and Jojo talked about "flying" things. Yeah, something what guys done inadvertently and unconsciously it makes the girls feel melting. Can you figured out what is it? :)

Gah, we also talked about jobs and kids and it's impossible if i type down my whole chat with Jojo, yesterday cause it'll be a long long long story. Hahaha.

Oh, and here it is! Jojo promoted this photographer to me, actually, this photographer is specialize in pre-wedding photography. But YOU HAVE TO CHECK THAT OUT! It's a total amazing photography team called Axioo. Same with Milk photography, i never get bored watching all of their photos and clips. It's a total GENIUS! Their properties, their concepts. Everything is WOW. In our expense, we even think that we have to start saving money from now to take a pre-wedding photos right there. Hahaha.

I picked one of their shots. This concept is *speechless* WOW♥

Credit to: Axioo Photography

2 days to go

If you want to be brave, does God gives you bravery?

No, He doesn't. He just give you a CHANCE to be brave!

- God from the film Evan Almighty (2007)

Audisi tinggal 2 hari lagi. Semakin dekat hari audisi, semakin aku nggak siap buat tampil. What the heck. Aku lemas tak berdaya! What should i do?

Waktu liburan ke Trawas kemarin, aku sempat tampil di depan anak-anak HBS. I realized i didn't show my best. Rasa malu-ku masih terlalu tinggi. Tapi setidaknya aku udah berusaha nunjukin, tapi apa yang terjadi? Waktu aku liat di rekaman aku so shock! That was terrible! Aku membayangkan diriku sendiri kalo jadi tim penilai Clique, mungkin aku gak bakal nerima diriku sendiri, meskipun tetep dapet beberapa komen positif dari Ko Reign, Ce Gebe dan abang Chemmy, tapi tetep aku shock. Bener-bener shock. Kalo aku maju kayak hari itu, aku pasti nggak mungkin keterima!

After performance itu, aku duduk di belakang villa dan si abang datang duduk di sebelah saya. Dia sudah memberi banyak masukan dan semangat, and i feel better, tapi masih ada beban di otakku. Aku gak tau, kadang aku nyesel memutuskan buat maju solo. Tapi banyak juga yang bilang keputusanku bener. Masih banyak yang harus aku perbaiki! Powerku gak ada, swaggerku nggak mantep, dan aku sering melakukan hal bodoh waktu nampil for example napuk jidat dan melet-melet. Kebiasaan yang super buruk dan nggak baik buat penampilanku!

Darn! I'm freakin' nervous!

Tapi aku tau, aku punya cukup semangat buat menampilkan yang terbaik dan aku bisa! Persiapanku sudah lebih dari cukup dibanding anak-anak lain yang aku tau, jadi aku nggak boleh malu-maluin, apalagi banyak yang dukung saya harus melakukan semua yang terbaik buat mereka! Thanks for all your support guys :*

Kemarin, i have a chit-chat with Mario, Kami bicara banyak hal. Yang jelas dari situ aku sadar dan mulai meyakinkan diri kalo aku harus bisa! I have to resist my shame and boost my confidence! Dia juga mengajari saya beberapa teknik-teknik yang benar, eventhough meskipun kadang di Clique, teknik itu nggak penting yang penting cuma power dan itu yang sedang saya pelajari! Tapi gak apa, belajar teknik toh juga nggak ada ruginya. Yang paling membuat saya terus berusaha di sini, Mario bilang "Secara gak langsung yo Pao, lek kamu keterima lo, kamu yo melok membanggakan HBS!" Roarrrrrrrrrr! *roaring* ELIZABETH PAULINA DWI PUTRI XI IS 4 / 27 23519 mantan XK / 08 dirimu PASTI BISA!

Dan hari ini, untuk ke 3 kalinya aku tampil di depan orang banyak (1st, Trawas, 2nd Kelas, 3rd HBS Class). Gak tau kenapa, aku merasa lebih siap hari ini. Dan komen-komen hari ini juga lebih welcome. Nhe-Nhe dan Hilda yang nonton waktu di Trawas dan hari ini, mereka bilang kalo aku jauh lebih baik hari ini daripada di Trawas. Si abang Chemmy juga bilang kalo saya sudah layak untuk tampil audisi lah, and it makes me much more vibrant! Kalo di Trawas aku tampil ala kadarnya, hari ini aku sudah ada kemajuan 75% dan dapet nilai 80, sedangkan Sabtu nanti, kalo bisa aku target minimal, seburuk-buruknya 90% dan dapet nilai 95. Saya yakin saya pasti dan harus bisa! Apalagi nanti hari Sabtu, kabarnya lumayan banyak yang nonton, intinya saya nggak boleh memalukan dan harus PEDE untuk 4 menit saja! Buang semua rasa malu! Saya harus bisa! BISA BISA BISA!

It's my last year to join DBL, saya harus melakukan yang terbaik. Aku nggak mau cuma berusaha buat audisi ini aja, syukur-syukur kalo keterima, aku pasti juga akan berusaha SEBAIK dan SEBISA mungkin to GIVE MY BEST SHOT for Sinlui! Yay! GOOD LUCK PAO! Bantu doa ya semuanya :)

Flingers!

If everytime i miss you,

i walk a step to the air,

then maybe now i'm already at Pluto

What a great day i had yesterday. I was hanging out at TP with Jojo, Celine, Catrul, Vina, Gebe, Clara, Vero, Cella, Tetep, Jess and Ivana. And guess what? I'm soooooooo HAPPY! Soalnya kemarin aku berhasil beli buku AKU PADAMU! karya para @anjinggombal :D WOOHOO!

Aku padamu : karena cinta dapat ditemukan dalam kata

Jadi aku nggak tau, entah mengapa belakangan ini aku suka sekali menggombal. Padahal dulu aku punya persepsi kalo menggombal itu super duper menjijikkan. But lately, i think that menggombal is quite fun. Sadar nggak sadar menggombal bisa bikin ketawa meskipun pada awalnya kita pasti mikir "euh.. apaan seh". So, pas online twitter kapan hari dan buka-buka profile @anjinggombal, aku mendapati bahwa mereka lagi produksi buku gombalan yang berjudul "Aku padamu: karena cinta dapat ditemukan dalam kata". Detik itu juga aku bilang "Aku harus punya buku ini!".

I really love this book, beside ini karya penerbit bukune yang terkenal dengan novel-novel ngakaknya, bukune selalu ngasih pembatas buku lucu-lucu di tiap bukunya. Waktu beli "Marmut Merah Jambu" dulu, aku dapet pembatas buku marmut pink gitu, sekarang aku dapet pembatas buku anjing warna tosca. Dan ilustrasi-ilustrasi gambar bukune memang bener-bener bagus semua! Jadi menginspirasi saya untuk menulis.. hahaha :p

Anyway, kemarin sepanjang hari di TP, itu adalah sejarahku pertama kali ke mall dari siang sampe malem pake high heels. Oh my, rasanya kaki ini kudu dicopot gara-gara nggak kuat jalan. Biarlah ini menjadi pengalaman! Lain kali aku nggak mau pake heels lagi ke mall, peduli amat kek orang-orang bilang kalo SMA penampilan harus berubah. Perubahan itu boleh, tapi kalo menyiksa nggak deh. Terima kasih. Mana si koko kurangajar lagi ngatain aku kayak tante-tante, bah.. Memang sulit untuk menjadi seorang wanita. hmmm.

Kemarin waktu pulang dari TP, aku ketemu si Jencong nunggu taksi mungkin, dan dia bilang BB Onyxnya barusan dicopet. Jencong keliatan stress banget meskipun dia nggak nangis-nangis separah aku dulu. haha. Oh my, i'm really sorry to hear that, i know how does it feel ! i've experienced it twice. Parahnya, BB itu belum sampe sebulan diganti, gara-gara Bold si Jencong rusak, dan ini lagi bulan puasa, kok masih bisa-bisanya ada orang yang mau nyopet. Sabar ya jen, tiap musibah pasti ada hikmahnya ;)

And by the way, Happy 16 birthday to my "brother", Ivan Alexander Liando! Semoga kau jadi anak yang semakin dewasa dan berbudi luhur ya nak! Hahaha. And of course juga buat Monica Kinanto a.k.a Memon! Happy sweet 17! Semoga tambah dewasa, tambah ciamik nyanyi dan presenternya, all the best for you lah! :D

Have a blast, you all guys! ;)

* * *

Song of the day: Elevator - David Archuleta *This is the real David's song!*

Seguir adelante!

To be a hero, you have to start from zero

I had a really nice chit chat with Ce Elaine yesterday! She inspired me A LOT! Bermula dari omong-omongan dengan Opel *puas koe namamu tak tulis? haha* yang berbuntut lagi pada masalah Clique, Ce Elaine ikut nimbrung dan akhirnya kuceritakan semuanya dari audisi sampe DBL.

Guess what? Ce Elaine ngomong gini "Aku lo ketolak 3 kali malah Pao, kamu baru 2 kali ae to? belum 3 kali.. Pasti isa lah." Yang langsung mucul di otakku pas itu "Jambu, seng nggena ae?! Ce Elaine super juago kayak gitu ketolak 3 kali? 3 KALI? bercanda.." dan detik itu juga aku langsung bener-bener yakin kalo aku harus ikut audisi lagi taon ini!

Winners NEVER quit!

Aku sadar, aku emang gak terlalu pinter nge dance, boleh dibilang cupu abis. Tapi aku memaklumi diriku sendiri kalo aku masih belajar dan akan terus belajar. I won't be afraid to face the audition! Dengan kemampuan pas-pasan, aku berusaha nggak mau liat kelemahanku sendiri, intinya I'll give my best for the audition!

Berhubungan dengan audisi juga, I'M REALLY HAPPY for finishing my ego choreography! Biarpun ngebyte koreo selama 1 menit itu sangat susah buat aku, tapi saya sudah berhasil melakukannya! YAY! tinggal dilanjutkan dan dilatih terus sampe mantep! Selain itu juga harus memantapkan locking P.Y.T yang saya masih belum bisa-bisa. Tapi saya yakin saya pasti bisa!

Pokoknya, Thank you so much Elaine Kartika Sari Hanafi sudah menginspirasi saya dan membuat saya yakin kalo saya harus ikut audisi taon ini juga jadi lebih baik lagi! Apapun hasilnya nanti, pokoknya saya akan berusaha dengan segenap hati akal budi juwa raga dan usaha *halah* Hahaha :D